INTRODUCTION

Probably one of the biggest concerns for counselors who begin to practice in the area of grief counseling is how to work with strong emotions as they arise in clients. Although we have earlier shared that not everyone will grieve through the sharing and expression of their feelings, many clients will experience strong emotions as part of their grief. In this chapter, we explore the role that emotions might play in the grieving process, and how counselors can help their clients to benefit from working constructively with their feelings.

Many bereaved clients will feel overwhelmed by their feelings, and they will come to counseling in hopes of learning to contain their feelings. The good news is that clients can often learn how to manage their feelings and regulate their emotions through the counseling process, but the hard part is that they learn to do this by first having to focus on them. In their everyday world, bereaved individuals are often given much advice and receive many messages that minimize their experience, probably with the intent of helping them to manage their feelings. In the counseling process, however, we often do just the opposite, and a lot of time is often spent exploring and gaining insights from feelings rather than trying to avoid or minimize them. Thus, what may occur is that we might, at first, intensify the feelings because we pay attention to them, and even focus on them instead of trying to diminish and contain them for the sake of social propriety. The identification of and work with feelings can be very rewarding and empowering for clients, ultimately moving them into deeper work that allows them to recognize their strengths and potential for growth.

There is some discussion about the difference between feelings and emotions. Typically, feelings are viewed as faster than emotions in terms of response (referring to the response time of the feeling and how fast it arises in real-time stimulation), and it takes someone less time to recognize feelings because they are instant reactions to stimuli that occur in the present moment. Emotions tend to be viewed as a longer-term effort, after an individual has had an opportunity to reflect upon feelings that have surfaced, and meaning or significance has therefore been assigned to the felt experience. Feelings are closer to sensory stimulation; thus, if you touch something, you feel it almost instantaneously, which is a fast reaction. An emotion could represent a deeper experience because it might affect more aspects of you, and you may become more invested in it because you have delved into and reflected upon the experience more, but that is only because it is now also attached to your cognitions and interpretations more. For example, depression will have more of an impact on you than just an isolated feeling of sadness. We find these distinctions are mostly academic, though, and for the purposes of this chapter, we use these two terms interchangeably because both feelings and emotions are important in our discussion, and the work with feelings and emotions in the counseling setting is going to involve the same process.

THINKING CRITICALLY ABOUT FEELINGS

Individuals who live in Western-oriented societies tend to think of feelings as primitive, irrational, weak, pathetic, and an indication that someone is out of control. Stop and think for a moment about how many derogatory terms and phrases are there to describe someone who readily expresses emotions and what these phrases imply:

The implication is clear: If you express strong emotion, you are out of control, and you need to regain your composure quickly. Stoicism and rationality are espoused as true virtues; for example, “He’s holding up so well,” or “She is staying strong for the kids.” Individuals who deny their emotions and function solely from an analytical, rational perspective are seen as smarter, more competent, and desirous. Feltham (2010) ventures to address the issue of emotion in counseling by stating that the most effective counselors tend to be those who are more naturally intuitive and emotionally responsive, both characteristics that are more acceptable to feminine socialization patterns. He concludes that most counseling theory is generated by men and places cognitive processing at the top of what is most desirable in counseling practice. He also states:

We have previously discussed the importance of the counselor’s focused and compassionate presence within the counseling relationship. Genuine caring and compassion are feeling oriented, and clients are very likely to “know the difference between a counselor who really cares deeply and one who either struggles to do so or who is primarily cognitively rather than emotionally oriented” (Feltham, 2010, p. 184). Similarly, Levitt, Butler, and Hill (2006) and Timulak (2010) state that the counselor’s ability to perceive, share, and explore emotional content was reported by clients as the most valued components of their therapy work. Watson and Bedard (2006) compared outcomes in clients who received process experiential therapy (PET) versus those who received cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and found that clients who had received PET, with its focus on emotional content and expression, were more deeply engaged in the therapeutic process and more likely to positively engage with their emotions readily afterward. Similarly, Fisher, Atzil-Slonim, Bar-Kalifa, Rafaeli, and Peri (2016) found that the client’s emotional experience was one of the most important determinants of the therapeutic process, which then predicted greater improvement in functioning. These statements are not meant to indicate that counselors who are more cognitively focused are less effective, but to emphasize the importance of being open to the exploration of feelings as part of the counseling process. Likewise, the ability for counselors to access their own feelings and intuition is important in order to be able to effectively engage with clients’ feelings and emotional states. As counselors, we will be touched and moved by the pain and suffering of our clients, and we do share a common human lived experience with them (Matise, 2015). However, showing emotions, especially openly with clients, can be interpreted by some as a sign of weakness or lack of professionalism (Curtis, Matise, & Glass, 2003). However, it can also be argued that showing our true feelings with clients is a form of congruence and genuineness, when filtered through the lens of the client’s best interests. Disclosing our personal reactions to our client’s stories can also be a valuable form of self-disclosure that serves as validation and normalization of our clients’ feelings. It is important to place feelings into the appropriate social and cultural context—and in most modern Western societies, feelings are devalued and stigmatized, so it is important to look critically at how intellect and cognition are privileged, and emotions and intuition are devalued—and yet both these entities are important aspects of the whole human experience.

FUNCTIONAL FEELINGS

In the therapeutic setting, feelings can be seen as valuable indicators of what is most important to the client’s process. They give an indication of what Gendlin (1978) referred to as the “felt sense” of the client in a situation, and when you are able to identify and focus on the client’s feelings, you are probably working very directly with the places of most concern and difficulty to the client. Indeed, emotion-focused therapy was developed with the understanding that attending to clients’ emotions and the meanings attached to them are the primary sources of new information that can be used in the construction of new meanings and eventual working through of painful events (Paivio, 2013). You may recall our earlier discussion of the use of immediacy in the counseling process in Chapter 6, “The Basics of Counseling Practice.” Immediacy includes working in the here and now, with the feelings that are currently arising in the session. Schneider (2016) states that working in the here and now, noting feelings that are present in the client during the session, enables the most potential for insights, growth, and change in clients that can then be applied outside of the therapeutic environment.

In the counseling session, it is important to help clients to learn to befriend their feelings and to try to learn from them. Although not everyone experiences strong feelings in response to significant life events, when intense feelings arise and we try to block them, we can end up feeling more anxious. Suppressing strong feelings takes a lot of energy and it can “backfire” when the defenses that function to contain the feelings are overloaded in some way.

When this happens, the suppressed feelings can end up being released in a flood that can be overwhelming to the person and to the people in proximity to that person (Practice Example 9.1).

We need to be able to experience feelings appropriately—in a way that is constructive, in the proper environment, and with the ability to reflect upon them as well. It is important to connect compassionately with feelings as they arise in order for defense to soften; approaching feelings in this way will eventually lessen the anxiety that the suppression of feelings creates. Feelings tend to “live” in our bodies, and we often experience a physical sensation when strong feelings are present. Sometimes, we will experience a “charge” with an emotion, which can be felt as a strong physical association with a certain feeling. We interpret this “charge” as the feeling attempting to get your attention that something important is happening and needs your focus. People often remark about feeling nauseous or their stomach being upset, being jittery or shaky, hot or cold, clammy, or heavy in their chest. You may have heard of the “fight–flight” response to stress, which is the way our bodies respond when we feel acutely stressed, frightened, or threatened. There is a direct link between how we feel and how our bodies respond, and we can often rely upon the signals in our bodies to help us identify our feelings and to channel them in ways that are healthy and constructive. In many ways, it is much easier to be “in our heads,” but experiencing life from a cognitive orientation alone means that we are denied the full and rich depth of being a complete person, which involves an integration of our thoughts, feelings, and physicality.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

For the last century, we have become very focused on developing our intellectual abilities. With the introduction of the Stanford–Binet intelligence test in 1916 (SB5; Fancher, 1985), the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS) in 1939, and the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children (WISC) in 1949 (Frank, 1983), people focused on “IQ” as an indicator of who was smart, who was most likely to succeed, and who would be revered socially. Although Wechsler especially tried to look at more global capacities, such as the ability to solve real-life problems and to navigate successfully within one’s environment, the focus was still mostly on rationality and cognitive reasoning. Emotional components of the human experience were seen as secondary, and possibly a hindrance, to the measure of cognitive potential that was present in each individual.

The value placed upon cognitive excellence and rational problem solving has become generalized to expectations about a person’s character, ability to navigate social situations, and a general belief that people who are “smart” by these standards are those who should be revered, emulated, and given deference. In reality, these expectations do not exactly work out in terms of personal success, social integration, and in the cultivation of empathy and compassion for others. We can all think of individuals in various professions who are brilliant in terms of their intellectual capacity, academic accomplishments, and rational problem-solving abilities, who, nonetheless, have a great deal of difficulty managing their personal relationships and getting along with others, or are not able to work with others in settings that require teamwork. So, intellectual prowess is admirable, but it leaves something missing in terms of relating to others. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, in the popular show The Big Bang Theory (Galecki et al., 2008), provides a good example of someone who is intellectually brilliant but who struggles socially, having a great deal of difficulty navigating relationships with colleagues and individuals who try to be his friends. Although television shows are meant to be entertaining, they are a reflection of popular culture and often provide good examples of how our social emphasis on intellectual intelligence and cognitive processing are not the measures of a person who is necessarily successful in life.

The point of this discussion is that we live in a society that highly prizes intellectual capacity, while dismissing social and emotional capacities, which are not only important but also necessary assets for a person to live in harmony with others and to be able to engage in relationships that are meaningful and reciprocal. Most of our relationships with others are predicated upon our ability to care, to empathize, and to respond to others in mutual and meaningful ways. Most attachment behaviors are also demonstrated through emotionally mediated behaviors, such as attunement and empathy (Kosminsky & Jordan, 2016). Grief is often viewed as a wound to our attachment system, and the responses to separation and a wounded attachment system are often emotional ones. Thompson (2012) identifies that an effective practitioner must have the ability to tune into the client’s emotions and then to help the client to make the link between these emotions and their experiences of loss.

The first use of the term “emotional intelligence” is usually attributed to a doctoral thesis titled A Study of Emotion: Developing Emotional Intelligence (Payne, 1985). In essence, emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify, express, understand, manage, and use emotions (Kotsou, Mikolajczak, Heeren, Grégoire, & Leys, 2019). Other authors have explored the concept of EI (sometimes referred to as either EI or emotional quotient or EQ; Goleman, 1995; Mayer, Salovey, & Caruso, 2008). Instruments were developed to measure various aspects of EI, including the Emotional Competency Inventory, the Emotional Quotient Inventory—Short Form (Parker, Keefer, & Wood, 2011), and the Emotional and Social Competency Inventory (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009). There are also several self-report and self-assessment scales available to the public via the Internet (Mayer, Roberts, & Barsade, 2008).

Goleman’s exploration of EI is probably the best known and popular because of the publication of his popular book of the same name (Goleman, 1995) and the release of a secondary book titled Social Intelligence (Goleman, 2006). According to Goleman, to be successful requires the effective awareness and understanding of yourself, including your feelings, intentions, and responses, as well as the ability to understand the feelings and responses of others. The awareness of EI and its cultivation are important in grief counseling because it is very important for both counselors and their clients to develop a capacity to work with emotions that fosters competence rather than flooding because of emotional overloading.

Working intelligently with emotions that arise in clients is a process that involves assisting clients to:

It is amazing to realize how little attention has been paid to the emotional content of our experiences and how readily we try to suppress or deny feelings rather than learning to work with them constructively. Many clients do not really know how to begin identifying their emotions and readily get stuck when asked what they are currently feeling. For example, a counselor might see a client clenching his fist, tightening his jaw, and becoming red in the face, only to find the client will respond to a question about how he is feeling with, “I don’t know … just upset, that’s all.” Learning to identify feelings may involve some education for our clients as to how to accurately describe what they are feeling and what to do with the feelings that they recognize in themselves. A good place to start might be to share with clients a “feeling vocabulary list” to help them to learn to identify what they are feeling (Exhibit 9.1). We often try to simplify things by suggesting that there are four basic feeling states: sad, mad, glad, and scared. You can then brainstorm different words that could be used to describe varying aspects of each of these feeling states. We often suggest that you begin with words that describe the least intense sensation of that feeling “cluster” and gradually progress to the most intense description of that feeling. For example, feeling words to describe mad might include irritated, annoyed, frustrated, angry, enraged, and furious.

There are many different ways to help clients to work constructively with their emotions. Sometimes, just naming the feeling and talking about it can be enough for a client to address what is being brought to the surface by that emotion. As mentioned in the previous section, emotions sometimes carry a “charge” with them that we experience physically. Clients can sometimes feel intimidated by this intense sensation, afraid that in exploring their emotions, they will lose control over them, or they will say or do something that is not congruent with how they view themselves. Choosing a way to work constructively with different emotions should be based on the client’s personality and comfort level with the counselor, and this process can be facilitated by drawing from the strengths and interests of the client, that is, if the client likes to write, draw, paint, enjoys music, and so on. We discuss more specific ideas later in Chapter 11, “The Clinician’s Toolbox: Therapeutic Modalities and Techniques in the Context of Grief” (see also Practice Example 9.2).

Some ideas about helping clients to identify and work constructively with their feelings are as follows:

Once a client has identified how they are feeling and explored the feeling in the session, there is usually a “message” that is behind the feeling. It may be simple, such as anxiety that results from realizing that you are now alone at night after your spouse died and you need to do what is necessary to feel safe and connected to others when you are home. Or it might be that what is happening has brought up previous experiences that have left you feeling abandoned or highly vulnerable, and you need to be in touch with someone from your past to work these issues through, if possible. As a counselor, remember that you are always listening with your intuitive “rabbit ears” (Yalom, 2009), both for the content that is being said in words and the experience that is occurring through the nonverbal cues and emotional tone of what the client is saying as well.

WORKING WITH DIFFERENT EMOTIONS

Important guidelines for counselors to have in place are that they need to: (a) be aware of their own emotions when they come to the surface, (b) cultivate an ability to work constructively with these emotions, and (c) be able to apply the same “rules” about honoring emotional content and material in their lives as they expect from their clients. These things will affect how a counselor will be able to facilitate emotional work and process with clients (Practice Example 9.3).

When you begin to sense that there is a lot of emotion present in the client, it might be helpful to try to slow the session down. Empathic responses or immediacy may be used, depending on what the client is experiencing. The client may only stay with the feelings for 5 seconds, but in staying with these feelings, even if for a very brief time, there may be a sense of competency and relief afterward. Emotions are often intensified in the sessions, and clients are invited to go to a deeper level, closer to their core feelings. Stay with the feelings as long as the client tolerates it and stays connected to them in the session. Once the client begins to shift out of the feelings, talk about what the client felt and put it into a context. A good suggestion for follow-up with clients after they have gone deeply into emotional work is to first validate that it is hard work and then to ask what the experience was like for them. Often, working in this way with emotions brings a sense of exhaustion, but also a sense of clarity. After exploring feelings, a shift may occur in the client’s perceptions, although it may not be apparent right away.

If your client is struggling with intense emotions, try to normalize the feelings and assure them that these feelings will not continue with this same intensity and magnitude forever. One helpful statement might be, “It is very difficult and intense right now for you, but it will not always be this way down the road.” If the client has attempted to keep emotions under control by suppressing them for a long time, initially experiencing the emotions may carry the fear of being overwhelmed, rendered nonfunctional, or paralyzed by these feelings. Remind your clients that they have the choice about how they want to handle their emotions and provide modeling in the session that allows them to focus on the emotions and then get some distance from them in alternating waves. Normalize clients’ concerns that feelings (especially those that are intense or carry a physical “charge”) can be scary and that this is difficult work.

As we discussed earlier in the section on resistance, you must be respectful of people’s defenses, and your goal is not to insist that people emote, but to recognize when clients need your assistance in working constructively with the emotions that are present. You, as the counselor, need to be able to help the client find what they need, both internally for control and externally for the release of the emotional material. There are times when clients need help in containing their emotions (different from suppression), especially when they are overwhelmed or feeling unsafe (Kennedy-Moore & Watson, 2001). The issue of containment is explored more in Chapter 10, “When Grief Goes Awry,” where we discuss how trauma and grief overlap. Also, some specific therapeutic modalities that may help clients to work constructively with their emotions are discussed in Chapter 11, “The Clinician’s Toolbox: Therapeutic Modalities and Techniques in the Context of Grief.” We recognize that once clients begin to focus on their story and what has brought them to counseling, feelings often rise to the surface readily. It is hoped that this chapter helps you, as the counselor, to be open to your clients’ experiences of emotional material and be able to facilitate your clients’ process with quiet confidence and compassion. Remember that most people want a deeper connection with their inner self and that usually occurs by working with emotions.

SUGGESTIONS FOR SPECIFIC EMOTIONS

Because we believe that feelings/emotions serve a purpose, it might be helpful to look at some of the ways that feeling states might be reinterpreted as informative and positive to clients and their experiences, and also to provide some practical suggestions for counselors in working with emotions.

One final suggestion for clients when they are experiencing strong emotions outside of the sessions is to find ways for them to recognize their feelings and work with them, but to also be able to contain them and bracket their feelings when necessary. Clients can have “grief drawers” in their homes, in which they can store pictures, music, memorabilia, and linking objects. When clients realize that strong feelings are arising, they can open the drawer and use these items to facilitate some of their grieving process (Harris, 2015). Some clients may light candles when they are actively involved in this work—when the candle is lit, they focus their attention and emotional energy on the contents of the drawer and the associated feelings that arise at that time. When they are done, they can blow out the candle, put the things back into the drawer, and close it shut. Clients may choose to write about this experience in a journal and share it with you when they come for their next session. Clients can use music to do something similar—when a particular song is done, or the CD is finished, they actively move away from the emotional processing and consciously move into another room as a form of bracketing the experience. Clients need to know that they can enter deeply into their emotional experiences with competence and feel empowered by their emotions rather than crippled by them. Learning how to go deeply into and then to come back out of the intensity is a valuable skill that can be helpful in this process.

WHAT ABOUT THE COUNSELOR’S FEELINGS?

Our students often ask us if we have cried with our clients and how we feel about the counselor sharing his or her feelings with the client. On the surface, there is generally a perception that crying in professional settings is an indicator of lack of professionalism or a sign of weakness on the part of the counselor. The answer may be that it can be a good thing and it can also be an indication of the counselor’s need to attend to personal issues that may need to be addressed (Curtis et al., 2003). Levitt et al. (2006) cite many clients’ positive responses to their counselors’ disclosures of their own feelings and indications of being touched by their clients’ stories (Practice Example 9.4).

As counselors, we are human beings and we connect with our clients at a deep and empathic level. To hear stories of pain, suffering, and deprivation and not be affected would be highly unrealistic, and sometimes as we fully enter our clients’ world, we will be deeply moved by their stories and experiences (Kottler & Carlson, 2014; Yalom, 2009). A normal human reaction might involve tears that fall as we listen to a client’s painful story, and these tears simply validate the depth of the client’s experience and our shared human connection. Problems occur if the client’s story triggers an area of vulnerability within the counselor, and the feelings that come to the surface for the counselor are not those in resonance with the client but a personal reaction to the client’s material that is based on the needs and unresolved material in the counselor. Counselor’s feelings that take the focus of the session away from the client could be damaging to clients, and the counselor could inadvertently use the client to process his or her own unresolved emotional material, which is highly unethical. In Chapter 13, “Caregiver Issues for Grief Counselors,” we discuss the role and value of supervision for counselors, which provides a safe place for the counselor to work through personal issues that arise in sessions with clients.

CONCLUSION

In this chapter, we have explored how working with feelings and emotions in the counseling process can be a very important and empowering aspect of counseling bereaved clients. Counselors must have an understanding of their own feelings and experiences, be comfortable working with clients when they enter into deeply intense emotional states, and be able to facilitate the constructive processing of these emotions as part of their work with grieving clients.

GLOSSARY

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

REFERENCES